Average people don’t think the way people in rock bands think, which is to say that people who actually join rock bands aren’t average. They are either musical geniuses or absolute nincompoops. Of course I exaggerate. In any case, there ought to be guidelines when interacting with them. Here are a few pointers I’ve drawn up.

A general rule for everyone, if you are only trying to make conversation, never ask someone from a band how much their talent fee is. You don’t ask new acquaintances how much their salary is, don’t you? It’s the same thing for a band. Unless of course, you are seriously interested in booking them, in which case you should open the topic by asking whom should you talk to regarding band bookings. To be safe, always assume that the band has a manager, or at least a booking agent you need to go through.

Never promise to catch them in one of their gigs if you don’t plan to. Never make a suggestion about their songwriting, or band image. Even with the best intentions, musicians have definite ideas about their music and looks so any suggestion you make will come out as lame to them and they’ll never forget the most absurd ideas.

For media people, never ask “Why the band name?” It is such a cliché question and a dead giveaway that you’ve not done any research. Besides, they’ll have encountered that question numerous times in the past that answering it becomes too mechanical and any genuine meaning is lost in the delivery.

For the serious fan, if you want to flatter, ask for an autograph. That never fails. If you want to annoy, ask for an autograph and then frantically declare that you don’t have a pen and paper with you and ask shamelessly if he or she has one hidden somewhere in a back pocket. Never ask stupid questions like can I join your band? Or do you have free tickets to your next show? Or can you greet me up on stage? Or can I have your T-shirt?

For the clueless, don’t ever refer to a band as a‘combo’ and don’t ever ask to hear a sample of the music. If you need to be educated, you’re not the band’s market to begin with so why should they bother. Besides, asking for a sample is absolutely annoying. If the only complete band lineup you can name is of the Beatles, don’t attempt a discussion about the band scene. And even if you happen to know more band trivia than someone from a band actually does, he’ll hate you for it so better not go in that direction.

Never ask someone from a band to sing in a party in front of everybody. He’ll kill you the moment he has the chance to be alone with you.

For older people, never suggest to the band that their music is way too loud. It can’t be otherwise. Period.

For the not too serious fan, if you’re not too sure of the exact identity of the band member you are planning to approach, don’t, under any circumstance, dare a guess. One of the worst things you can say is “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the (name of a band more famous than his)?”

If you’re trying to be cool, don’t try and bum a cigarette from a band player unless you’re a band player yourself, in which case, you don’t have to ask, just snatch. The cool thing to do would be to offer your own stash. Of course, it should be a premium brand. If you plan to offer your cheap favorites, forget it. Better yet, offer a drink. Cold beer is always a safe bet.

Never try and discuss to a songwriter what you think his song is about. Chances will be your interpretation is way off by miles. Besides, most writers usually don’t know themselves what they’re writing about.

If you’re looking to be a member of a band yourself, never offer to audition. That ain’t the way to go. Wait to be invited. In the end, if you really can’t stand their guts, just go ahead and set up your own then tell me about it after you’ve given up.