Random dirty tricks employed by other bands I learned from observing with incredulity and some times, as the unwitting victim on the receiving end.

Dirty trick no. 56
When playing in most small productions were many bands are slated to play, no one wants to play early. The assumption, usually right, and shared by the bands and the audience, is that the better bands play later in the order. To avoid playing early if that’s your schedule, show up at the venue with one less member and a lame excuse and ask to be moved to a later slot. Make sure the missing member arrives as soon as a primetime slot opens. Text messaging comes in handy here.

Dirty trick no. 7
Before you leave the stage to make way for the next band, mess up the guitar amp mix by randomly turning all the dials.

Dirty trick no. 22
If you want to be booked for more gigs than you actually deserve, build up your own instrument set-up and rent it out to small concert promoters. Then, package your band in for a few more extra thousand bucks. Most promoters won’t refuse the temptation of getting a discounted rate for both a band and a complete instrument setup, even if your band sucks.

Dirty trick no. 22.5
(continued) Since you own the instrument set-up, sabotage the house mix during the sets of the other bands and make them sound lousy and unprofessional. Kill their monitors. If they complain, crank it up until you get the annoying microphone feedback. Repeat steps as often and as long as your technical crew can believably feign ineptness. When your band’s turn comes up, unleash the full power of the house speakers, slide in your optimal pre-mixes, and turn on your vocal effects racks. Audiences will marvel at how much better your band sounds compared to the others.

Dirty trick no. 5
Be the crowd favorite by playing the cheesiest covers, whatever genre and whatever era, never mind your band image. If necessary, play it twice or thrice on the same night.

Dirty trick no. 99
Steal fresh batteries from the effects boxes of the other guitar players in the band room and replace with weak ones.

Dirty trick no. 88
If your band genuinely sucks, crank up the amps, boost your overdrives, and play way louder than necessary. If you can’t impress the audience, numb them. At least you’ll be remembered.

Dirty trick no. 21
To build undeserved publicity on the internet, open numerous accounts using different names and create discussion threads about your band. You get more points if you visit the legitimate threads of fans of other bands and pick fights. Incessantly annoy them with random digs and sarcastic remarks on their adored band, the more famous, the better. Always leave a trail to your own band’s artificial thread. Who can tell if the threads are real or otherwise anyway?

Dirty trick no. 40
Spray graffiti on strategic public areas using your band’s name.

Dirty trick no. 65
Steal other bands’ gig posters posted on studio bulletin boards or public areas. Better yet, replace with your own. If you can’t openly steal it, vandalize with felt-tipped markers when no one is looking.

Dirty trick no. 37
Acknowledge everyone you know in sight every time during your spiels between songs.

Dirty trick no. 17
When thanking the corporate sponsors of the show, always name the top executives in attendance and throw in quips and crank up the charm power. Gamely wear the t-shirts and caps emblazoned with the sponsor’s brand, never mind that it’s for a cheap product you would never actually touch with a ten-foot pole.

Dirty trick no. 72
Always be ready with your own version of the birthday song and play it every night. As a rule, every night, there will always be at least one in the audience who will pretend it’s their birthday just to hog 30 seconds of the limelight.

Dirty trick no. 1
Copy. If you can’t be original, why bother.